it's hard to be in this state of mind. in a way, i'm glad i've managed to slowly find my way back but on the other hand, training and clean diet drained me. seriously. they do. lots of people can go to the gym, but what it takes to constantly watch over your food intake, that is a huge work. to watch your friends eating so many delicious food while you stuck at eating only soup, grilled chicken, brown rice. of course as time goes on, i'll start complaining. not that I am not aware this is my choice. the biggest problem is motivation.
sometimes i cant help but to feel offended whenever my friends questioned my choice of food. i mean, when you eat McD or ayam goreng kfc ke, pisang goreng ke, I say nothing. but when it comes to me, choosing healthy food, like salads then all jaws dropped. if you don't want to respect my choice of food, please, at least don't make fun of them. of me. i swear some people, they just lack of empathy, I feel like punching myself in the face. yes, myself. I am trying very hard to get into the best shape as to qualify for the personal trainer certificate. seriously, who wanna train with a personal trainer that is overweight, or doesn't take his/her own advice?
then, it's back to home. i love being at home. but, being at home means i won't do my assignments, just sitting at the corner of the living room, staring at my laptop for hours, knowing that there's no good in stalking people's facebook, so all I can do is keep refreshing the newsfeed and hoping for some interesting status to pop out so i can click the button the"LIKE". yeah, that's pretty much how life is at home. I don't even bother to hang out with friends, let alone to go shopping at alamanda, the cats keep me company.
i'm just emotionally and physically tired but i was told by the trainer that the clean diet needs to be continued for at least another 4 months. and dammit, i thought i'm just doing it for 3 months. the result? yes, i can see it but apparently when i look at the mirror, i feel that whatever i'm doing right now is not enough. how do u look at the mirror and seeing yourself as skinny as your sisters? knowing the fact that i can never be skinny, that is why i choose over a strong physique. so bodybuilding it is.
I'm never good enough for anyone, kan? i thought so. signing off now. in need of cats for my stress therapy session. at least, i would not be judged :D