Friday, April 13, 2012

mentally and physicall tired

it's hard to be in this state of mind. in a way, i'm glad i've managed to slowly find my way back but on the other hand, training and clean diet drained me. seriously. they do. lots of people can go to the gym, but what it takes to constantly watch over your food intake, that is a huge work. to watch your friends eating so many delicious food while you stuck at eating only soup, grilled chicken, brown rice. of course as time goes on, i'll start complaining. not that I am not aware this is my choice. the biggest problem is motivation. 


sometimes i cant help but to feel offended whenever my friends questioned my choice of food. i mean, when you eat McD or ayam goreng kfc ke, pisang goreng ke, I say nothing. but when it comes to me, choosing healthy food, like salads then all jaws dropped. if you don't want to respect my choice of food, please, at least don't make fun of them. of me. i swear some people, they just lack of empathy, I feel like punching myself in the face. yes, myself. I am trying very hard to get into the best shape as to qualify for the personal trainer certificate. seriously, who wanna train with a personal trainer that is overweight, or doesn't take his/her own advice? 


then, it's back to home. i love being at home. but, being at home means i won't do my assignments, just sitting at the corner of the living room, staring at my laptop for hours, knowing that there's no good in stalking people's facebook, so all I can do is keep refreshing the newsfeed and hoping for some interesting status to pop out so i can click the button the"LIKE". yeah, that's pretty much how life is at home. I don't even bother to hang out with friends, let alone to go shopping at alamanda, the cats keep me company.


i'm just emotionally and physically tired but i was told by the trainer that the clean diet needs to be continued for at least another 4 months. and dammit, i thought i'm just doing it for 3 months. the result? yes, i can see it but apparently when i look at the mirror, i feel that whatever i'm doing right now is not enough. how do u look at the mirror and seeing yourself as skinny as your sisters? knowing the fact that i can never be skinny, that is why i choose over a strong physique. so bodybuilding it is. 


I'm never good enough for anyone, kan? i thought so. signing off now. in need of cats for my stress therapy session. at least, i would not be judged :D






Sunday, April 8, 2012

just what I need

banyak sangat dah draft entry yang tak kesampaian rasanya nak publish. entah bila. niat nak buat fitness blog sendiri pun tak tercapai lagi. takpelah, niat dah ada. kalau esok Allah izinkan, jadilah ye? 


Lately ni, banyak buat aku terfikir. nampak newsfeed kawan-kawan, pasal istikamah, pasal perubahan, seriously it made me wonder. dulu kalau nak ikut, pakai je tudung labuh. baju pun panjang. makin lama makin hanyut. betul, istiqamah ni susah. bukan boleh tengok orang berfesyen sikit, mulalah nak ikut. untung je jadi orang yang bukan gila shopping baju, shopping tudung. tak adalah jadi mangsa fesyen sangat.


bila Allah dah bagi hidayah tu, orang kata ambil. pastu pegang kuat-kuat. aku ni pula, lemah sangat. tu yang kadang-kadang hidup pun tunggang terbalik. asyik nak emo, asyik nak marah, asyik nak cari pasal dengan orang. jiwa tak tenang punya pasal. alhamdulillah, sekarang newsfeed kat facebook pun almost semua berunsur islamik. macam dipanggil-panggil je untuk balik ke landasan syariat yang betul. 


mohon Allah tetapkan hati ni. Allah...tak tahulah berapa banyak dosa aku dah kumpul. berapa banyak hati aku dah sakitkan. pergi ceramah agama, pergi majlis ilmu, tapi tak lekat dalam hati. teringat status seorang sahabat "If you don't think that Allah listens to you, look back to your life and try to count how many blessings He's bestowed upon you. you will spend the rest of your life counting and still never catch up". Just what I need. I pray that Allah grant me strength to stay and die in this religion. mohon kawan-kawan doakan jugak ye? 


p/s: coming home this tuesday. i can't wait. missing the family so much

Sunday, April 1, 2012

gym vs school

most of the time, i have to admit, I love being in the gym. aku rasa ini je tempat yang aku tak perlu kisah macamana aku kena pakai, macamana serabai pun, macamana berpeluh pun. yes, orang akan tetap pandang kau, tapi aku punya attachment lagi kuat pada gym dari nak kisah pandangan orang tentang aku. I depend on my working out routines too much that every single time I get stressed, gym is the first thing that comes into my mind. kena sprint hari ni. kena lari laju-laju. *sigh*


aku kalau mood swing pun, memang aku duduk gym je. kalau boleh berkhemah kat gym, memang dah lama buat. aku rasa tenang. aku tau, bunyinya pelik. tp, bertahun-tahun, aku depend kat orang, orang jugak yang buat aku kecik hati, buat aku marah. bukan, bukan aku marah dengan sesiapa. aku pun manusia biasa. aku pun kecikkan hati orang jugak. the point here is, aku dah tak nak depend kat sesiapa. biar ini jadi hidup aku.  


Lagipun, tengah tak ada komitmen ni, senang sikit nak pergi gym. tak perlu nak msg sesiapa, mintak izin nak pergi gym ke, ape ke. aku ni yang tak berkenan sangat, kalau buat strength training tu, banyak je mata nak memandang. as if tak pernah tengok perempuan pegang dumbbell kot. tapi aku macam faham je sebab malaysia kan? kau nak expect apa. tambah sekarang ni trend orang datang gym, bina badan. patutnya make that exercise as your lifestyle, ni lebih pada nak show off body, susah la bro. duduk dalam gym pun rasa panas je hati ni sebab tak supportive langsung environment. Hati abang aku la haha.


esok kalau ada rezeki lebih, lepas habis kontrak mengajar, aku jadi personal trainer la kot. aku rasa dah tak ada interest dah nak buat course ni, tapi dah alang-alang 4 tahun, lagi berapa bulan je tinggal, maka marilah kita sama-sama buat yang terbaik. walaupun bunyi agak hipokrit di situ sebab eseimen pun buat last minute, takpelah kan. at least ada effortnya. 

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